Wipe your feet before entering the thought-space
by Tennoda
Summary: What can I say. Behind the scenes kind of stuff. Random author/character interactions. Mostly Cybertronians doing what they damn well please with no regard to their poor author's wishes.


I feel this is one of those things I should apologize to, but instead I'm going to say: Happy birthday Guardinthena! :D

Seriously though, I have no idea what kind of craziness I have unleashed here. I just wanted to make something nice, and then those darn troublemakers came out of nowhere and stole the show.

I do not own Transformers or Phage (though if she hears this, send help!)

* * *

It was another unusually peaceful day at the base that united several Transformers universes. Every version of Ratchet was happy about it, but Tennoda could see the prolonged peace had been straining on most of the team, especially one of the Wheeljacks, who had been tinkering with his ship to pass the time, and the Lamborghini twins, who had probably been doing things too questionable to even think about.

As soon as she stepped into the vast and ever changing interior of the base, Tennoda noticed Guardinthena was already there, settled in with a laptop and a cup of coffee. Even from afar, she could see her fingers punishing the keyboard relentlessly. Tennoda knew better than to disturb the creative process, and was ready to take her own laptop and get to work herself, when one of the base's many doors slid open, revealing the familiar, colossal form of Optimus Prime.

She couldn't help, but crack a smile every time she laid eyes on the attractive, red and blue mech. The excited expression waned quickly, however. It was obvious Optimus wasn't carrying himself with his usual calm, stoical appearance. There was something restless about the way he stopped to curl and uncurl his sizeable metal digits, brows knitted over his blue optics, as if he was ready to take on a difficult mission.

The Autobot leader vented deeply and headed towards the human-sized table, where the thunder of his heavy steps finally forced Guardinthena to disengage from her writing.

With their distance, Tennoda could only hear indistinct rumble of what was being said, and was about to leave to settle into her own comfy little writing zone, when something in Guardinthena's expression stopped her.

It wasn't quite horror, but came pretty darn close.

Optimus had gotten down on one knee and was gesturing awkwardly with spread hands as he spoke. Tennoda couldn't force herself to leave, too curious to see what was going on. Had she not known better, she could've sworn the reserved Autobot was reciting a poem.

"What the hell's going on...?" she muttered to herself, startled when firm hands suddenly clasped her shoulders from behind and a cheery voice declared.

"Antidote to boredom!"

Of course.

"Sideswipe", Tennoda sighed, making a futile attempt to shake the hands off her. "Your holoform should be outlawed. Do I even dare to ask what you and your brother did this time?"

The holoform vanished and two large mechs walked next to Tennoda. She persisted on her questioning.

"What's Optimus doing over there?"

The answering grins didn't bode well.

"Giving the official birthday salute to your friend", Sunstreaker answered for his brother. "According to your Earth traditions."

Tennoda took another look at the strange scene. Guardinthena's jaw had dropped and her cheeks were growing redder by the second as she kept staring up at the still talking Autobot leader.

"What tradition exactly?"

"Oh, you know..." the red-plated twin spoke casually. "Just the usual ode to the menstrual cycle."

Oh god no...

Tennoda knew she must've heard wrong. Then again, knowing the twins, she most likely hadn't. She stared in growing horror at the smugly grinning duo, completely understanding Guardinthena's reaction now. "You're insane!"

"Whaat?" Sideswipe looked to his brother. "I swear I heard that was a thing here, right, bro?"

"Absolutely was."

"Wait a minute..." Tennoda realized something. "Optimus would've never believed that had it come from you two."

The twins shared amused looks, apparently not feeling too reluctant about dropping the charade and spilling the details of their newest prank. Sunstreaker even looked proud. "We did have others doing the necessary groundwork for us. But that work of art Optimus is currently reciting is our handiwork."

"Couldn't have made it convincing without Wheeljack and Jazz first subtly softening the big guy up and assuring him it was an important part of a human woman's aging rituals that should be performed by a person of suitable stature."

"Jazz?!" Tennoda breathed in disbelief. "Wheeljack I believe, but Jazz? Really?"

Sideswipe chuckled. "You'd be surprised by the things he does."

Tennoda groaned in exasperation. She didn't really know Jazz that well, but she was already starting to sympathize with Guardinthena for having to work with him and so many other mechs with difficult or unpredictable personalities.

"You do realize we can join forces with Guardinthena and make Dawn and Phage kick your afts?"

Over by Guardinthena's writing spot, the show seemed to have reached it's conclusion. Silence hung in the air. Guardinthena opened her mouth to speak, then promptly closed it and patted the Autobot leader's leg before walking away, either at a loss for words or deciding it was best not to say anything. Optimus looked baffled. His glowing optics turned their way as he noticed he had an audience. The red and yellow mechs both raised their thumbs up with wide smiles.

"That's it", Tennoda grumbled, squeezing her laptop under her arm and turning to leave. "I'm moving to the Decepticon side."

"We thought you might feel that way", Sunstreaker said with a wry smirk Tennoda could sense even with her back turned. "Say hi to Megatron for us."

She stopped, feeling an instantaneous surge of dread. "You didn't... You're bluffing. There's no way you managed to trick Megatron with something as stupid as that."

"No, of course not", Sideswipe assured quickly. "Not _us_. Just don't be surprised if he gives you weird looks. Like, _really_ weird looks."

"You're bluffing", Tennoda repeated firmly, leaving the mischievous twins behind.

With the sound of a cheery birthday song following after her, she knew they weren't.


End file.
